irregarded

把曾经拍过的黑白照一张一张的找了出来

看了这些黑白照，突然感觉生命里似乎比以前多了一些色彩

Finally got a chance to try out this restaurant.. for mother’s day dinner.

My dad knew of this restaurant, and had eaten at this restaurant a few times as a kid, when my grandfather brought him to the annual dinners that the Teochew Clan used to organize, whilst my mum, ever since she was a kid, knew of the fame of this restaurant, but never had a chance to eat there, finally.. probably after 40 years..

It is one of the few restaurant where you can truly get good authentic teochew food, and as i plowed my way through the plates, white porridge, pork liver rolls (this is the only form of pork liver that i eat!), braised goose meat, teochew steamed pomfret, handmade prawn balls etc, it was nolstalgic, that i could actually remember my grand father cooking these dishes before.

And i asked myself silently, traditions lost and cultures eroding in our current generation, have we forgotten our roots?

Not the complete article in the above picture though.. but still its enough to get me thinking again…

So much talk for raising the retirement age and what not..
1) What are the jobs suitable for the older workers/elderly?
2) Are we tapping on the experiences and expertise of these workers at all?
3) DO we even have any respect for the senior citizens? Why do they have to work as cleaners, at hawker centres, restrooms etc?
4) If CPF was such an excellent scheme…. why are there people who havent been able to benefit from it, does it provide any social security at all?
5) With increasing housing costs, and a big thirty year loan, will there be any decent CPF savings left?
6) Are annuities going to be any better at this rate, at providing for the masses, or will it turn out like CPF, how after 40 years, doesnt seem to work that well anymore? (40 years from now, we’ll hit retirement age anyways)

food for thought..

Belongs to DY’s boss.. wah.. v cute leh!!!

i also want one.. but v expensive

the start of the post-exam binge-ing.. enjoying good food.. never waste your calories on yucky food!!

Starting at Yishun Blk 928… Laksa!! there are two stalls there though.. one is the famous one..
Gravy is not the super rich milky type.. its not the usual normal laksa too.. gravy’s fragrant with lots of galangal ginger bits and dried shrimp.. worth a try.. my rating 3.5/5…

Dont forget to get some dessert to go with it too.. esp on such a hot day..

After that for dinner it was.. Feng Yun Prawn noodles! at Blk 716..
very unique prawn noodles, not the usual typical prawny type.. instead the noodles comes with shredded duck meat and gravy, lots of crunchy beansprouts etc.. and the soup is super herbal.. that i gave up after two sips.. too strong.. later nosebleed… worth a try too.. rating 3.75/5

Apparently this was being stomp-ed or criticized by several aunties/people and what not

*edit. this was shown at melody chen’s wedding, and that is her husband

on another note i’ve decided to extend this post a little..

one of my friends was reading this article online that goes
“Survey finds only 1 in 3 of S’poreans climax during sex
Tuesday • April 29, 2008″

and her first reaction was eeee!!

but i think as we grow up, as everyone grows older, more mature in thinking etc, i think such perceptions/taboos seem to fade away increasingly.

remember how everyone used to be young and innocent? and how some things shouldnt be talked about, and how some issues can make one blush and avoid the subject?

but as one grows older, many things take a different meaning after all. sex is the union of two people, if not two consciousness into one. it is a biological process that the older people whom would talk easily about amongst themselves, but whilst the younger ones would see it as something shameful or to be ashamed about.

someone once told me abt this auntie who was super angry with certain aspects of sex education taught to her kids in school, but she herself was a monster/devil in the bedroom (i shant describe what was discovered stashed away in her wardrobe though).. it was hilariously hypocritical anyway.

and my response to that article.. 1 out of 3 singaporeans… in achieving climax.. wah.. singaporeans.. you all gotta work harder man..

昔目指してたなんて言うから
油断していたけどわかってはくれないね
とぼけたカオして聞いてくるけどヘンだ
All right お仕事なんですもんね？

どうすれば評論家(あなた)みたいになれるの？
きっと苦労話もあるんでしょう？

いいこと書いてねやっと生まれた歌だから
Love this song
疑ってるんでしょ？ニセモノだ　ホンモノだ
で、あなたはどうなの？

マガイもの　そうじゃないもの集めて
値段をつけてる
そんなんじゃ　やっかいだ　困難だ
どうなんの？この先　･･･教えてほしい

手紙は読むより書く方が
時間がかかること想い出してみてよ
好き勝手言われても気にしてちゃ
いけないね　お仕事ではないもんね

くらべたがるあの人にも伝えて
もうちょっと愛のある言葉で

いいことなくてもきっと生まれてきたんだし
Love oneself
落ち込んでしまうけどニセモノもホンモノもないでしょ？

マガイもの　そうじゃないもの集めて
値段をつけてる
そんなんに負けんなって言ってんだ
どうなんの？この先　･･･教えてほしい

言われっぱなしの毎日で　何処にも行けないや
週刊誌に撮られちゃいけないようなこともないし
イマヤリタイコトガ　イマヤレテマスカ？
もちろんそうです　いつだってそうです
望んでる答えも見えるけど ah ah

いい子にしてたらもっとうまくやれたのに
Love is all
疑ってるんでしょ？ニセモノだ　ホンモノだ
で、あなたはどうなの？

マガイもの　そうじゃないもの集めて
値段をつけてる
そんなんに負けんなって言ってんだ
どうなるか？この先
･･･教えてあげる

reading some tekong ghost stories now.. some are real accounts whilst some are hyped accounts.

like some guy was saying.. that the CCTV at ammodump at tekong recorded something on video in 2001.. someone jumping over the fence etc.. but.. wait.. wasnt that CCTV time lapsed, recording an image in like once every 10 secs or something? i dont know.. cant remember my op’s duty days already….

and and and.. yesterday someone knocked on moi door at night.. two knocks. woke me up. i peeked into the viewfinder, eh.. nobody outside leh.. then i open the door to see see look look.. nobody too.. wierd..

Hmm.. NMR paper was not bad.. apparently i managed to predict some of the long answer questions which was ok hehe.. sixth sense.

went home after that and my mum was surprised, cuz she told me she was wondering whether i might sneak home after the paper, having not gone home after term break.

usually stay on campus and try to study as much as i can, and every friday my parents will pick up my laundry. on sunday they will come back with dinner, bought from all over singapore, including my fav zi char restaurants in bukit timah, etc and eat with me at lvl 3 kitchenette. very nice of them. hehe. at least from them, i’ll appreciate them, and learn how to be a good parent next time too.

this morning went to eat prawn noodles at yishun block 716, new stall, its good!! no pictures never bring camera out..

and afternoon i was back on campus already.. to start the dreary prepration to start on structural bio… once again.. inertia…

maybe i’m tired, but i should be should i? cuz i usually sleep too much during exam period too.. stare at notes.. feel drowsy.. crawl into bed.. and knock out for 3-4 hrs each time this happens.. but i think i dont rest properly, cuz maybe i dont sleep full stretches.. and not during the essential 11-2am period which is supposedly important for the liver.. TCM related?

went to jp in the evening to get a hair cut.. and i finally bought the phillips aurelle simulated tea candles!! $69.90.. used to be almost a hundred dollars… it flickers in an algorithm approximated to that of real candles, and best of all, it charges wirelessly, by sitting on the dock! to turn it on and off just turn it upside down.. tada!! nice and romantic hor.. hahaha but oh well, nobody to be romantic to anyway.

bought $40 worth of groceries.. cabonara sauce, bacon bits (3 bottles), Sobe, sunkist orange premium orange juice, and some canned food..

no more sore throat and cough is getting better from taking the loquat cough mixture. quite a rapid recovery i must say…

Ripped from a local forum, written by this person by the nick of Sad Apple

——————————————————————–
Just finish taking MP4007 Engineers and Society. I cant help it but to confess that i cheated during the exam.

Not as in cheating during exam literally, but i cheated on my moral ethics and professional ethics as a student to give academically correct answer for my paper.

A brief background
Engineers and Society is a 3AU core module which all students from engineers faculty have to take during their final year. During this module, students were taught about the history of engineering, brief history of Singapore and some challenges such as ethics and globalisation issues that engineers will face in future.

It is a interesting subject. However, I felt lecturers are brainwashing the students with facts without letting the students to actually think over the issues themselves.

Since, it is a core module, student will have to give academically correct answer in order to score although you and I know that it is bull****. (damn sad case)

Take for instance, Qn 3a) Since becoming a nation in 1965, Singapore has had a democratically elected, single party government. Discuss the role of the government in the successful economic development of the country. (9marks)

In order to score the marks, I have to explain how “good” our government are etc etc. Well, put it this way,i’m not the exactly 66.6%

Qn 5C) After more than four decades of nation building, Singapore still lags behind developed countries in technological capability. What should Singapore do to bridge the gap? (9marks)

In order to score full marks, i have to write about the support for increasing more foreign talents into Singapore to fill the human capital gap. (This is in the lecture notes).

This subject taught us about balancing personal ethics and professional ethics. Amazing, i found out that i lost my moral value of my personal thinking to the grade i getting for my exams.

more good years ahead
——————————————————————-

Queen of Cups
The World
Eight of Pentacles
Nine of Swords
Ace of Cups
Justice
final outcome : Seven of Wands

Temperance
The Fool
The World
Two of pentacles
Wheel of fortune
Justice
Page of Pentacles
The hermit
Queen of Swords
Outcome – The Chariot

a pair of sunbirds was found building a nest outside a friend’s window in hall.. dangling from a peg..

pretty cool. i used to have these birds feeding on the flowers of one of the plants i had at home.

well.. common saying.. more birds.. more luck?

the best cover of the crappy rihanna’s umbrella

on the other hand.. was talking to yx.. and she was talking a little about hippos.. not the ones in the zoo. but hypocrites.. and suddenly i thought to myself.. how many of these hippos i’ve met in life.. and how friends could become foes.. when there were hidden agendas, lack of pure intent anymore..

and it dawned upon me.. that when i know what i hate/dont like, i’ll never will want to become a hippo.

saw this on a forum.. which was taken from someone’s blog.. but the blog’s locked up already.
the nolstalgia i felt.. when i read.. everything written there

—————————————————

http://sometimesifart.blogspot.com/2…st-as-nsf.html

Thursday, January 17, 2008

My Last Post as an NSF…

It’s 3 45am. I can’t sleep. it’s 18 Jan 2008. Look up at the top of the page.
Joy to the world.
I’m going to ORD. ROD to be exact.

Anyway, the past few days there had been many flashbacks of my NS days.

On the fine Jaunary morning of 2006,
the 20th 10am,
the Sun was shining, but it never was this gloomy.
I had my farewell dinner with my friends,
the previous night before.
Didn’t know what was coming,
wasn’t really prepared.
Took my bag and swing it behind my back.
At pasir ris interchange boarding the bus,
straight towards Tekong Ferry Terminal.
With my good friends, no family nobody else.
I sighed.

Bloody Pengiun Express,
took forever to reach the Island.
I was separated from my friends,
ushered into the back of the hall.
Told to scream and shout like a man,
to assure the parents (audience) i’m a grown man.
But my heart felt otherwise.
Entering the theater, i wasn’t allowed,
to smile and to wave.
The solemn expressions of my coursemates however,
was hilarious.
We clapped at the appointed time, we took the oath.
Now we are bind to the country and land,
with our lives.
I wondered.

Loyalty to country was the first on the core values,
care for soldiers the last.
Oh how realistic, and the irony that it is even there.
I had a good lunch with my friends for the last time,
waved, smiled and goodbyed them.
They left, walking towards the terminal.
My heart yearns to follow them,
but the sgt pulled and restrain me.
And gave a good whack on our heads.
I teared.

Panic came next,
we were all rushed to collect,
our bloody boots, bags and various items.
It was chaotic, incredible scary,
but strangely fun.
Never in my life,
i heard so many vulgar words,
yelled in a single sentence.
(Self-censor the following please)
Chee bye, chao recruit,
**** your mother good bye,
I sighed again.

In the bunk I was waiting.
looking at my new found room mates.
staring , unbelievably.
Why a 40year-old man was sitting across,
only to find out he was my age.
I stared.

Down we went to shave our heads,
as the hair lands on the ground,
so did our spirit.
On the hair-missing head,
i rubbed.

Ordered to keep our home clothes,
put on the grey shirt,
black shorts,
Wondering if i’m in jail.
Or hell.
Only to realise, it’s both.
I prayed.

Fang Quan the smart, Hafiz the buddy
Qing Long the dragon, Andrew the fit,
Kahlid the silent, Jia Jun the handsome,
Alan the fat, Loysius the sad-case,
Ron the monkey, manyiu fellow prayer.
I smiled.

Swinging our arms,
never coordinating,
we were screwed over and over.
Down to the cookhouse,
into the medical centre,
towards the various places,
I marched.

Betrayed by another guy,
the sgt questioned him why he laughed,
he pointed at me,
saying i made a joke.
Gary the sgt asked me to repeat,
or I had to suffer the consquences.
He made me sing.
I sang.

Life was hell much easier,
after I won him over,
with phantom of the Opera.
Never knew choir was of use.
I grinned.

“Who am I?”
Sgt Gary shouted.
“YOU ARE SGT, SGT”I replied.
“Who are you?”
“I am Chao Recruit!”
He smiled.
I pumped.

Cleaning the Rifle,
Going for Route March,
Into the Outfields,
Setting up my bloody Bahsha,
wondering if my sgt will steal my gun,
and if i should ever run.
Into the gym, onto the track,
I ran.

Camo ourselves,
prepare for war,
go touch that tree.
wanted to call,
but no battery.
eating junk food,
getting fat,
sweeping, cleaning never ends.
I yawned.

Something i must share,
Alan stinks.Real bad,
9 metres his aura,
everyone choked.
We saw him showered only twice,
in the whole BMT course.
First thing i did when i book out,
purchased medical oil.
Whenever I saw him.
I applied.

Before I got my Alvl results,
I fell into depression.
If I were to fail my exams,
at least let me die outside,
with dignity.
I didn’t.

Posted out of BMT,
we threw our sgts into the air,
and the bloody PC,
was way too heavy.
Sgt Gary was thrown on to the ground,
he landed with a THUD.
Knock it down he said,
may it be the last.
I pushed.

Failed my MDC audition,
i was lost, didn’t know what to do,
I thought I did very well,
but was posted to SAFAC,
as a storeman,
to guard Ammunition.
Looking at my eczema,
i knew i was in trouble.
I knew.

On the 2nd day of course,
i went to report sick with my fellow,
eczemarians, Alvin and loyisus.
the doctor looked at them,
told me to go back,
“not serious enough”
I pouted.

finish the course,
mostly by cheating.
They were openly helping us,
because nobody really needs to know,
Ammo to keep them.
I was posted to Glouchester camp with Brendan.
First saw Julian, Lingo and Cheng.
Alex, Alvin and Eric
Louis and Shiqiang.
I laughed.

Opening up the office,
doing duty, cleaning cups,
filing, typing and stoning.
The fun never ends.
It was heaven,
when there were so many breaks,
long hours of lunch.
I really had fun.
But my skin was sensitive to the,
incredible amount of dust.
Neither did Julian’s hands,
his mum gave me a bottle of lotion.
i was touched.
My skin grew worse and so did my eyes,
they were red and in pain all the time,
i reported sick until people told me,
my officers were angry.
Maj Adrian especially,
did not let me have my day-off,
when i did all my duties and was entitled.
I was afraid, thus i reduced the number of reporting sick.
I requested for post-out many times,
the officers knew.
they send me Victor, claiming that he was my understudy,
but in the end, he knew more than me.
I couldnt take the stress,
the pain was overwhelming.
i went to National Eye Centre,
and the doctors told me i had glaucoma.
I guess that was the steriod eye drops,
given to cope with the dust in the office,
mind you, it’s hell lot of dust in the office.
Stepping in and out of the room even made a difference.
The Branch was moving, so off with the documents
We spoilt 3 shredding machines,
trying to clear the office.
Dust was everywhere, and everybody knew.
But no, i was not excused.
I whined.

Sent for counselling,
Mr Keith was my consellor.
He made me laugh, joked around with me,
and told me to go back work.
after all, what’s the point?
We cant win the system.
If you have a penis, you serve.
I told him my deepest secret,
trusting him completely.
that my family was bankrupt,
my father in debt and about loan sharks,
about my teacher threatening in school,
about my friends betraying me,
about my hopes and dreams, ambitions
and everything
He nodded, listened.
I trusted.

In December, I woke up.
Blind. Couldnt see clearly at all,
i went to my eye doctor.
He panicked, telling me that my eye pressure
was dangerously high.
Every hour was significant.
He wrote a letter to the office,
asking them to excuse me from work.
It’s an emergency case,
I was so scared. I told Mr Keith.
He quitted the very same day,
made me sign papers to stop counselling,
telling me he will contact me to help me with it,
but i never heard him ever again.
I crumbled.

on Valentine’s day,
I was lying on the operation table.
In physcial pain you can’t imagine.
Wondering what I did wrong,
how it happened.
The doctors tried to save the better eye,
and move on to the 2nd eye 3 weeks later.
It was excruitating, to be awake,
knowing ur eyeballs are being poked.
Not brave enough to scream,
too scared to jerk and fighting all ur natural instinct,
And in all these pain i could only manage,
I gasped.

I went back to work in May.
But I kept bumping, falling down.
Tripping on everything,
bleeding and cutting myself,
the laughters of others,
the stares of strangers,
the pain of my heart and body,
i had enough.
I question my doctor,
and he told me the truth.
That I will be forever,
visually handicapped.
my world collapsed.
I cried.

At night, i wake my hand violently,
in front of my face,
hoping to see something
hoping the image will form
it never did and never will,
i was afraid of my eye pressure increasing,
i crawled to the toilet, afraid to fall down,
couldn’t see.
couldn’t tell my parents i was afraid,
couldn’t believe this was happening.
Loyalty to country,
the price is too high.
I despaired.

I was sent to the IMH,
i couldnt control my tears.
Why was this happening?
Where did it go wrong?
What did I do?
why me?
Questions that didn’t matter,
answers that never answered them.
I am alone, always will be.
It’s one thing to lose ur sight at birth,
another in childhoold,
the worst just before stepping into adulthood.
Whatever’s gonna happen to my family now?
Who will support them?
Am I to sell Tissue? Beg?
Let’s be realistic.
Who will employ me?
What about my future?
My dreams, my hopes, my ambition.
Who will love me?
I weeped.

i was in SAVH,
Singapore Association for the visually handicapped.
the white cane pressed into my hands,
it’s a slash in my heart.
Knowing that the jeffrey in my memories,
the one who loved his choir,
the one who really want to write a book
the one who loves to draw, sketched peiying’s portrait,
the one who was MJ’s first soloist, Mj’s first gold
the one who had great times with his friends,
the one who was in chinese orchestra playing YangQin,
the one who wanted to read fantasy books of Mercedes Lackey,
the one who had a black belt in karate
the one whom a girl had written a special note to,
the one who made it into industrial design, 30 ppl out of 500
the one who had crushes in school but never had the courage,
the one who wanted to be a broadway singer,
the one who wants to repay his parents, make them happy,
the one who sacrificed all he was worth for his choir,
the one who didn’t let anyone else know.
the one who was bullied in school.
the one who believed in life
I died.

In spite of everything,
I knew what I had to do.
I must get what belongs to me,
I cannot stop because of this handicap.
when i fall down, I have to eventually get up.
Lying down there, it’s not going to help my suitation.
I need help in my future life,
and since SAF owes me,
i shall make an injury report,
Of course, my officers didn’t want me to,
for fear of trouble,
but it is a fact they neglected me,
the MO filing my specialists letters and ask me to go back,
Did I not ask for a post-out? There were 3
Did I not tell them that I am very sensitive to dust? I did.
Be it let it be known to the Media, on the newspaper.
Bringing it to the Court.
I shall be compensated.
To the people who caused it.
I hated.

I celebrated my 21st birthday,
with the real reason as to see my friends once more.
I don’t know when my sight will finally give in,
with my 15% of vision field left,
I invited all I could.
I was really touched when 50 of my friends sang me
“Happy Birthday to you.
happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to jeffrey,
happy birthday to you.”
It meant alot to me.
21st birthday.
huh, i’m really getting old.
thank you my friends,
for letting me see you once more.
I smile and cried.

Now, with the last hour before I go and collect my IC.
I am ending my National Service life with this long post.
No more free medical service,
no more shelter, no more pretense.
I am thrown out in the real world now.
How I am to survive in the challenging world.
The report will take months, even years.
I shall do what’s necessary.
But what lies ahead, nobody knows.
I have to be ready.
Looking back at my 21 years,
I grew.

I sighed.
I wondered.
I teared.
I sighed again.
I stared.
I rubbed.
I smiled.
I marched.
I sang.
I grinned.
I pumped.
I ran.
I yawned.
I applied.
I didn’t.
I pushed.
I knew.
I pouted.
I laughed.
I whined
I ;aughed.
I crumbled.
I gasped.
I cried.
I despaired.
I weeped.
I died.
I hated.
I smiled and cried.
I grew.

Have you?

“The composer Stravinsky had written a new piece with a difficult violin passage,” writes Thomas Powers, quoted in the book Sunbeams. “After it had been in rehearsal for several weeks, the solo violinist came to Stravinsky and said he was sorry, he had tried his best, the passage was too difficult, no violinist could play it. Stravinsky said, ‘I understand that. What I am after is the sound of someone trying to play it.’”

Ws went for his 4am run as usual, having to walk all the way to SRC just to run on the track. Its impossible to run the slopes with the wrong shoes without killing himself.

And having completed his run, as I was walking back, i suddenly saw someone sitting at the gantry, in the middle of the road, you know the machines that were put in place to levy parking charges etc but never put into use? Yup. in between two machines.

there she was sitting there quietly. Had long hair. I wanted to rub my eyes to confirm whether i was seeing things. After all from a distance she looked really young, a little too young to be in sch at this hour actually.

So i decided to walk infront of her, the closer i got, hmm the better the resolution i had, but i didnt really pay attention to the face..just couldnt really discern the clear facial features. I kept wondering.. hey.. is she human or not. Not moving… sitting there, long hair.

Decided to leave her alone, walked past and walked all the way back to my hall. But as i was walking back along the quiet walkway, there was this nagging feeling in me.. that told me.. hey WS you should have gone up and asked her “ehh.. are you human or not??”.

To tell you the truth, I wasnt afraid at all.. perhaps she could be human too. come on man.. she had legs!! then again, its always only in the movies that portray ghosts w/o legs or something.  Still, even if she wasnt human, i wouldnt have minded making a spiritual friend.

Had a very interesting lecture on wednesday which suddenly triggered all the things i remembered from psychology in workplace, where one of the lecturers was a marriage counsellor too.

But just for wednesday, the lecturer brought up the DISC model again, dominant, influential, steady and conscientious.

And i scored a very high C, and almost no I. He said opposites attract, opposites attach, how opposites will attack, and subsquently opposites will adapt.

All of a sudden I felt like a sudden failure in relationships. An utter failure, no matter how many times i had seemed to fallen in “love”, gotten together with someone, and taken everything apart again.

That was because although i used to be a really rational person, i refused to rationalize relationships. If i like something, dont ask me why. I refused to weigh anything into the decision at all.

And i realized i’ve been putting my effort into the wrong things, my time, my youth, my energies. You know what, i just saw this thing on a forum and being a high C person, usually conscientious, i’ve almost done everything as described before.

————- Citing from that forum post——————–

45 Things a Girl wants but wouldnt ask for.

1. Touch her waist.
2. Actually talk to her.
3. Share secrets with her.
4. Give her your jacket.
5. Kiss her slowly.

Are you remembering this?

6. Hug her.
7. Hold her.
8. Laugh with her.
9. Invite her somewhere.
10. Hangout with her and your friends
together.

11. Smile with her.
12. Take pictures with her.
13. Pull her onto your lap.
14. When she says she loves you more,
deny it. Fight back.
15. When her friends say i love her more than you, deny it. Fight back and hug her tight so she can’t get to her friends, it makes her feel loved.

16. Always hug her and say I love you whenever you see her.
17. Kiss her unexpectedly.
18. Hug her from behind around the waist.
19. Tell her she’s beautiful.
20. Tell her the way you feel about her.

21. Open doors for her, walk her to her car- it makes her feel protected, plus it never hurts to act like a gentleman.
2 2. Tell her she’s your everything -only if you mean it.
23. If it seems like there is something wrong, ask her- if she denies something being wrong, it means SHE DOESN’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT-so just hug her
24. Make her feel loved.
25. Kiss her in front of OTHER girls
you know !!

26. Don’t lie to HER.
27. DON’T cheat on her.
28. Take her ANYWHERE she wants
29. Text messege or call her in the morning and tell her have a good day at work {or school}, and how much you MISS her.
30. Be there for her when ever she needs you, & even when she doesn’t need you, just be there so she’ll know that she can ALWAYS count on you.

31. Hold her close when she’s cold so she can hold YOU too.
32. When you are ALONE hold her close and kiss her.
33. Kiss her on the CHEEK (it will give her the hint that you want to kiss her).
34. While in the movies, put your arm around her and then she will automatically put her head on your shoulder, then lean in and tilt her chin up and kiss herLIGHTLY.
3 5. Dont EVER tell her to leave even jokingly or act like you’re mad. If shes upset, comfort her.

36. When people DISS her, stand up for her.
37. Look deep into her EYES and tell her you love her.
38. Lay down under the STARS and put her head on your chest so she can listen to the steady beat of your heart. Link your fingers togetherwhile you whisper to her as she
rests her eyes and listens to you.
39. When walking next to each other grab her HAND.
40. When you hug her HOLD her in your arms as long as possible.

41. Call or text her at night to wish her SWEET DREAMS.
42. COMFORT her when she cries and wipe away her tears.
43. Take her for LONG walks at night.
44. ALWAYS Remind her how much you love her.
45. Sit on top of her and tell her how much u love her and then bend down to her face and kiss her while sitting on her.

You’ll never know when she needs
just a little bit more love

——————END of citation——————-

and my opinion on this? ITS NOT TRUE!!! All these cheesy, romantic crap doesn’t work at all. No. Definitely for some people, these things never worked. Its a whole load of bullcrap.

Well, i realized i had spent my time/efforts being conscientious, meticulous, romantic, and sweet to a high D. a dominant individual who doesnt give two flying freaks to all these little nitty gritty things in the past. Oh wait, WS its time to think, how many of these girls you’ve been with, are high D’s?

Oh no.. one.. two.. three.. four.. five.. infinity.. Yup, having studied some psychology, done so many psychological tests, and I realized i knew quite many things, but I failed miserably at applying some concepts at the most fundamental things in life. How sad. Was it because I refused to rationalize?

But is it time to rationalize? I dont know. Time wasted is time wasted. Who cares about everything in the past. But should i continue wasting time? Maybe not.. after all.. I’m old already.. mature enough.. time to really settle down than constantly floating around.

I also realized how a high I or a high S individual had always appeared interesting to me, at least i was amazed at how comfortable i could be with a high I or a high S person, maybe cuz i’m a pseudo C + D person.
So how? Is ws going to start categorizing everyone into these groups? or maybe not? I hate being judgemental, but damnit, the world’s never kind.

Busy with stuff this weekend, i.e. URECA poster presentation tomorrow and some work.. as usual my parents picked up my laundry today.. and bought me dinner as well.

Not only was there dinner, there were also two muffins for supper, some candy, a bottle of oral B mouth rinse, and a pack of strawberries.

Before I went back to room after picking up my stuff, my mum called out to me : “Eh.. the strawberries washed already..remember to eat ah!!”

I went “Orh.. ok..”..

Back in my room after I ate my dinner (fried rice from Bukit Timah), I opened the pack of strawberries to realize they were all big, red, ripe and in perfect condition.. I thought to myself.. this’s impossible.

Having bought strawberries several times off the shelf in the supermarket, its always a mix and match sort of thing, there’s always bound to be some squished ones, some bruised in every package considering the fragility of the fruit. And i knew what my mum did. She bought a few packs of strawberries, and chose the biggest, freshest and most intact ones for me.

And i realized what it took to be a parent, always wanting the best for their children all the time..

Its pretty interesting how I’m beginning to discover the softer side of many of my friends.. whom i never thought could be in existence probably cuz i didnt seem to know them well enough.

Take for example that quiet little jane who’s forever sleepy, blur, serious looking, occasionally crappy, always attempting to irritate me by saying “you rubbish!” etc, actually had a private blog that talked about things i never knew about her. She’s definitely a lot more than whom i had always thought of her to be.

And if not for this blog, people wouldn’t know that I do have a really soft side to myself as well. It’s definitely difficult trying to be someone i’m not, and challenging to appear desensitized, devoid of feeling, indifferent to anything except work, etc, when I’m actually human, i can feel too.

But one of my greatest fear, is that the world’s never easy on us. That life isnt simple when someone starts attaching social stigmas, expectations, etc on you, its hard to be yourself. And when you expose your soft side to others, thats when one can hurt the most.

probably thats why not many people know of my blog existence, and those whom know, are the people whom i could trust. that makes it 20% of the people on my old msn account that made it into my new msn account, but still i’m happy with this 20%, i can be myself, and i’m truly comfortable.

sometimes when i find it difficult to tell someone something straight, I’ll just write about it, hoping that he or she might just get to read it. now that i’ve opened myself up to many other people, i would definitely look forward to knowing everyone else better as well. true friends, is what it takes to make life more interesting than ever.

Paramita refers to the 10 paramitas or the 10 perfections of the buddha. I have to admit, that although I might have appeared to be really pious and religious in my writings etc, I, unfortunately, in reality, is not religion obssessed.

I have had accepted buddhism as a refuge, but I believe in striking a balance in living life, and how not to lose a sense of rationality in my action.

How bad is my karma, or how good is it, I often ask myself. However there are no means of determining one’s state of grace. Probably not that bad either, I was born with decently high IQ, academic competence, I had loving grandparents who doted on me, and even my parents love me a lot. I would agree that my parents often pamper me too much, but I’m conscious of it, and I’ve never allowed myself to be spoilt.

All my few years living on campus, I’ve never washed my own clothes, never. I probably wouldnt know how the laundry room in hall looks like either. That was because my parents insisted, especially my mum, to pick up my clothes to be laundered at home, whenever I stayed over the weekends on campus to catch up on work. Whenever they dropped by to drop off my laundry, they would bring me lunch or dinner with them, bought from all over Singapore. Whenever I wanted something, or whenever I was making a purchase, my dad would never allow me to pay for it, even when I could afford it.

I still remembered just a while back, my dad suffered from a constant dull pain in his right leg, that he had problems getting up, he had to take a few minutes before he could stand up properly. The pain would go away after some walking, but would come back whenever he tried to move from rest, or a seated position. It was probably his old back/spine injury that was giving the perceived pain, an injury he sustained, eleven years ago, when my uncles and my dad, shouldered my grandfather in a casket, down eight flights of stairs as a frontman.

We went for dinner at one of our favourite restaurants at Bukit Timah, and when it was time to make payment after the meal, at the counter, I went up to pay on my dad’s behalf, because he couldnt stand up properly, it was pretty painful for him. But the moment my dad saw me using my own card to pay for the meal, he forced himself up and called out to me. I turned around to see him cringe in pain, and quickly agreed to pay with the credit card he subbed for me. Back then I felt remorse in me.. my heart probably cringed too, because it was just how selfless a dad can be sometimes. If not for my ability to desensitized myself of emotions, i would probably have teared in public (yes yes ws is such a crybaby). The guilt lasted me for days.

But perhaps it was genetic or not, that I had picked up over the decades, a sense of Dana Paramita, a Pali word, translated as “to give”. Sometimes you can say Ws is brainless or irrational, but whenever I could give, i would give. It just wasn’t me to expect anything in return. When I knew a friend wanted this, or that, I would make it happen. When I am a KFC at JP buying dinner, i would buy a few pieces of chicken to feed the couple of piglets living in the next block. Whenever I had academic resources, I believed in sharing them.

When there was a begger on the streets, or an old auntie peddling tissue paper at the road side, I would just drop by and press some money into her hands. I often told myself, what is $2 or $5 to me? Perhaps less than the cost of a meal I take. I could just eat instant noodles for a couple of meals in replacement then, if that money given to others.. could make a difference in their lives.

Few days ago I was listening to Kid Rock’s Only God Knows Why (Youtube link) recently, there was just this strong sense of nolstalgia that came over me. It was a song that could never get tired of listening to, ever since I first heard in in ‘99. It was the following lines that hit me the most, and perhaps made me ponder the most as well.

“and i still stand firm you get what
you put in and people get what they
deserve, still i ain’t seen mine
No I ain’t seen mine
I’ve been giving just ain’t been gettin’
I’ve been walking down that line
So I think I’ll keep walking
with my head held high
i’ll keep moving on and only God
knows why  ”

I took a long while to reflect at  myself.. that me as a giver, what was I really expecting. Well the very least I would be really happy to be appreciated, and at the same time, I never believed in receiving anything in return, from the recipient directly. Whatever I had done for people, I do things for the sake of doing. However the only return that I had always hoped for and believed in, was that in my willingness to be selfless and to give, someone else would give to me too. (I wonder whether I’ve reached the stage of receiving though)

Recently I found out from one of my friends that she had liked someone I knew, for almost two and a half years already. Although I always teased her about that recently, she never allowed me to tell him, or mediate a union between them. She would prefer to be unseen, unknown, unrecognized, behind the scenes.

And when she found out that the guy she liked had beta thalassemia, needing occasional blood transfusion, and is the same blood type as she was, the very next day, she went down to the blood bank to donate blood (a decision made at 1.46am). I told her to think twice, about her state of health before doing anything like that irrationally, but she went ahead without thinking nor heeding my advice. Her reason? “Maybe someday it would be useful to him”… “He can use my blood” etc..

Well, your ol’ emotive WS is touched again. Ws is always a sucker for sob stories… but.. OMG can you believe this?! This is just so so so so sweet..its like a korean drama in real life, minus the sappy scenes though.. and this girl… was just practicing Dana too. She didnt even want to be recognized for what she did as well.

You know what, WS would pay anything in the world just for someone who would be selflessly willing to do that for him!! ButI guess such a person doesnt exist for WS maybe. Nobody ever comes up to WS and slips him a note with something that goes… “hey. i like you. can we go out for dinner? can i have your number? can i have your msn?” but oh well singapore is such a closed cultured country i dont expect people to be daring and confident enough to do such things either.

Yes this really sweet girl, this friend of mine.. I think she deserves better, and deserves someone who would really appreciate her actions, and reciprocate duly for her deeds of kindness, and selflessness.

Heh. Another February 14th. Its pretty interesting that there seems to be a guy/girl cooking vdae dinner in every other pantry in hall 16. (just came back from a shower to see a chinese couple cooking something wierd.. hahahaha)

Yeah i cooked too. for myself! one of my friends in hall walked past and she was like “Ws!! you cooking also ah? for who??” I told her it was for myself.. haha i think she was a little surprised, i wonder why.

Then again.. dinner was good.. yumyum..

So.. what is Valentine’s Day all about? I actually don’t have much of an idea too. I still remember how years ago, I spent months folding almost a thousand paper hearts just to give someone. Oh yeah and i folded paper hearts again, just recently, for a friend’s christmas present, cuz she said she never received anything like that before. Memorable indeed.. cutting A4 sheets of red paper into bus-ticket sized pieces, and trying to do some nimble origami with clumsy fingers.. dropping them into the container, and seeing how the container would slowly fill up.. as the days and nights went by.. I guess nobody realized the number of nights.. of lost sleep trying to get something done by a deadline.

Last valentine, I was in the blistering cold atlanta, i could still remember specks of snow falling from the sky, as i walked through campus to make a valentine’s day delivery. It was fun, baking heart shape cookies the night before, and coating them in molten hersheys chocolate with an open window. The air was so cold that the chocolate hardened pretty easily the moment you pick the cookie out from the molten fondue. I admit she was probably one of the hardest person whom I had chased.

Was i successful? Yeah i was, eventually. I mean, sometimes if you’re sincere enough, things could work out for you. But i realized after a while, that if we were meant to be, i wouldnt have needed to pursue so hard, it was all lovey dovey, travelling around the states together.. almost like a honey moon. But all in all, that was just living for the moments, never living for the future. She was just another person whom would probably never become willing enough to settle down in life, not to even talk about family, marriage, kids, future and what not. My close friends would have say : “WS!! i told you so!! who ask you go date a tomboy?!?!?” but oh well. Love’s not about looks, or is it? Maybe yes huh.. i’m blind anyway.. not literally, just figuratively.

Well, a subsequent state of disillusionment. But still, its important to know how to lick your own wounds and move on in life.

And here I am, on valentine’s day again, but looking at things in a different perspective this time. Perhaps there’s no truth, or i’ve very seldom heard of stories/real life instances when people got together on valentine’s day cuz the guy or the girl was so touched etc. Singaporean women are soooo hard to be touched anyways.. kinda unfeeling.. haha dont quote me on this..

I was procrastinating on what to do this valentine’s day actually. I told myself.. roar! i have like so much work piling up and what not.. i should spend a good day with my books!! But as usual, in an angel/devil advocate scenario, there was something in me that said.. WS… this is your final year before graduation…if you don’t do anything, would you ever have the chance again?

I racked my brains.. on whom should be the recipient of my valentine’s day efforts this year..perhaps someone deserving and appreciative maybe. It wasn’t easy to find someone to fit the bill.. till i remembered a particular someone who liked royce chocolates, a very pretty girl from my school, with a very nice personality.
of course i know for myself, i stand no chance in such a romantic pursuit anyway, probably there might be a super long queue of suitors already.. but still I felt that she is someone down to earth, and perhaps could be worth the effort to even make her smile a little.

So WS hopped on a cab straight after HRM lecture on wednesday, straight to suntec for fear that chocolates might be sold out due to the popularity.. the cab fare was amazing!! hahaha.. $31 for a one way trip.

True enough.. there was this nice long queue of customers. Picked up what I wanted to buy, phew.. there was enough chocs on sale… obstacle number 1 cleared. Then came obstacle number 2. There was a super long queue for a cab back to campus, five minutes into the queue without much movement, i decided to risk it and run back to campus via the MRT.. hopefully not too long a journey so that i could get them into the fridge as soon as i could.

Bad choice!! I tell you its a superbly amazing experience trying to balance on a sardine-packed train with one hand holding to a bag of fragile chocs and the other hand holding onto a thick and fat engineering math txt book (yes dumb ws… why did you have to absent-mindedly bring a txtbook with you all the way to town?? wasnt thinking when i left school i guess).. and all that grumpy officeworkers, esp the middle age women bumping into you.. and pushing you here and there without much regard.

Finally made it back to campus.. chocolates in the fridge, dry ice in the freezer compartment, and a sigh of relief.

So this morning, perhaps it was a surprise for her.. I passed her the chocs in the midst of stem cell lecture. She smiled. I think it was worth it.

The heart of the matter, is an apt topic for this post, not because it was inspired by Don Henley’s song (very nice song btw if you can find it), but just a perception or an opinion of mine.

At times I would like to ask myself, whenever we work in an organisation, and when we face problems, do we attack the core of the problem, the heart of the matter, or do we find ways and means of temporarily getting around it?

How many of us here a problem solvers, concerned with solving things 100%, versus others who might consider a state of stasis more preferable? Do you consider upgrading and building a more reinforced dam when the waterflow is increasing, the reservoir is putting increasing pressure on the structure.. or do you believe in just patching the holes of the old dam?

Chances is that when organisations become more established, older, and more unwieldy to changes, a huge decrease in receptivity, radical thoughts, new ideas and inputs are preferentially suppressed.

I’ll give a simple example, although any coincidence might be coincidental (heh..). Take the challenge of increasing traffic volume on the roads for example.

Years ago, it was decided that the number of vehicles on the road must be kept in check, this is to prevent severe congestion etc. Taxation was deemed to be something useful, coupled with the need to bid for an expensive certificate of entitlement (anyone remembers those days when we had to bid $50k for a midsize saloon car COE?).

Soon after when people got richer, and they could afford that little certificate of entitlement, more and more vehicles appeared, traffic started getting bad.

Some “wise” idea appeared there after, to use electronic road pricing, in an attempt to re-divert traffic to minor roads by putting a price to the access to some roads.

However all these were perhaps concerned with getting around the problem. Users were never considered in their decisions, i.e. if we really really need to use the road, i.e. to get from the west to the east, we inevitably have to go through some of the gantries.. no way around it.

When the festivities come, and when everyone wants to celebrate the occasion, there will be severe jams when people all take similar routes. Even then the minor routes will also be jammed. So does road pricing with gantries really SOLVE the problem? No. The roads cannot cope!! Even when you keep increasing the gantry price to stellar amounts, the road just cannot cope with that volume! We seem to have lost sight of the roles and function of a ROAD, which is to be USED, by us, not by the rich and those who can afford it.

Perhaps the greatest solution to all these is not to restrict usage, but instead allow for accomodation of larger volumes of vehicles. How about building a parallel highway above the current one? Or a parallel tunnel under the current highway to allow for volume increment? Have energies been misappropriated, that people had always been thinking of how to cut down usage, but never looking into how we can handle bigger volumes?

Some talks on eventually a full road pricing system, with very low COE, and potentially abolishment of the COE scheme could allow for more car ownerships for the citizens, but wait, why am I facing problems finding a parking lot whenever i work late and return home close to midnight? Will this be an upcoming problem? and How can this problem be solved when it appears? Well.. build more carparks!!

And when you talk about building more carparks etc.. why didnt we start with this solution of adapting and coping with bigger volumes? i.e. build more carparks, build more roads earlier on, to solve the problem of overpopulation and congestion? Why do we have to go through other ways and means through the decade, of taxation and what not, to eventually end up with the same ultimatum solution?

Perhaps.. its true.. just like how we would frolick around a coconut tree, we love circling the problem. Is this inherent or is this not, how did our minds become so stifled to only see things in one dimension, never both sides, or even three sides of a coin?

I used to look forward to CNY every year, not because of the festivities, but the delicacies that appear during this season.. shops frantically flipping slices of pork with the sizzling steam wafting through the late morning air,  odour lingering even though the shop could be a street away.

BBQ pork, or (bah kwa), is one of my favourite CNY food, much as it probably is a predisposition to atherogenic diseases, i just couldnt resist that sweet juicy tantalizing slice of pork after it has been lightly toasted to soften it. Every bite was a delight, the chewy morsels, I suppose i might down a single kilogram of that on my own annually. (oh dear my poor coronary arteries)

So on this saturday morning i decided to go for lunch and grab some bahkwa on my way back home. Much as I had expected, the market was crowded, so crowded that I had to park in the HDB carparks across the market.

Perhaps that little walk from the carpark to the market was some good exercise after a lunch of laksa & pohpiah, but that little walk, back from the market to the carpark.. seemed to have an immense impact on me.. i just couldnt help feeling 心酸.

no. not because my fav bahkwa was sold out. it was actually in stock, $5 discount for visa card holders too. And there I was happily swinging that flimsy stiff red paper bag with the box of bahkwa on my way back.. to see a homeless old man, topless too.. sitting and leaning against one of the walls in the void deck of the HDB, with a few plastic bags infront of him (perhaps his belongings).

I suddenly felt embarassed, no idea why, I just didnt feel good carrying that bag of bbq pork infront of him. I stole glances at him.. and it struck me that there seemed to be a tinge of sadness in his eyes.

All of a sudden I wanted to rush over and give him that bag of bbq pork, i dont know why i didnt do it.. perhaps if i did that i might be feeling better now.

As I’m eating my supper right now, and chewing into my first slice of BBQ pork, it became an entirely different experience to me. I had slight troubles swallowing (no the meat isnt that tough lahhh), perhaps if i could cry i might shed a tear.

Here I am, young and capable, able to splurge on toys, objects, people, hobbies, and buying my favourite foods and spending money without a twitch of an eyelid, enjoying my bbq meat, whilst that poor old man at the void deck, probably hadnt had a chance to eat a proper slice in years.

I wondered to myself.. what CNY might mean to that old man, and the many old people around Singapore, homeless, without a family.

Perhaps i felt just as helpless as them all of sudden, there are just too many of them, and I just didnt know what I could do, to make a difference to their lives. So much so for social welfare packages etc, it seems that there are still forgotten people.. roaming the streets, hoping for a better life or perhaps.. an earlier departure..

So there was this professional/consultant talking about total quality management, the importance of quality etc and there was this nice quote :

“Do the right things, right the first time, every time” – unknown.

But in my opinion there’s a Singaporean version to this though.. that goes

“Do the right things at the right time” and..

“Do anything but don’t get caught”

hahahaha. so is this perspective going to be singaporeans’ bane in time to come?

Ever wondered why this particular bottle of pineapple tarts was so expensive last chinese new year?

Well ordinarily this bottle would probably cost $18 off the shelf in Singapore. But last Chinese New Year I was stuck in cold lonely Atlanta. My mum decided to fed-ex a bottle of pineapple tarts to me. It reached me in two days, 11,500 miles, half the globe essentially, at my doorstep. Postage cost? $65.90.

did this in white again. same experience, i dont feel any pain on the left half of my body, but quite a searing pain on my right half, i wonder why

Looking fondly at the pictures taken a year ago, it almost seemed i had never left the states, perhaps i might have left my heard and soul in the land of the free.

Having just reached home, tired, lethargic and slightly peeved at being squished like sardines on the train back home, I saw my msn blinking with a message from a buddy; a link to an article summarizing a dialogue session.

It was a little radical, in my personal opinon on how someone could say “We got to educate those about to retire: Don’t retire, work. Retirement means death.”, of course that coming from someone who had always had strong, decisive and very well defined beliefs, never sitting on the fence.

This line alone seems to pretty much shatter every Singaporean’s dream, for it seemed that what everyone had been pursuing and hoping for in life, was a good, enjoyable retirement.

But why so in the first place, a need for such a dream, its imperative for us to think about this, and understanding the basis of such a want, than blind belief, just because everyone else had one too?

Perhaps its the notion that most of us are slogging like slaves just earn every single precious dollar subjected to constant devaluation under relentless inflation rates, never earning excess but just enough to get by, having to pay for too many bills and taxes, long housing loans, high-CPF minimum sums with most of the CPF contribution going into procurement of a home with no true value (only a paper/artificial value) having nothing much left, that turns retirement into really a dream. Its like a need for a form of “release” or salvation.

Propounding the ills of retirement with many single dimensional reasons, is just like promoting workaholic-ism, something which most Singaporeans will eventually become very adept at, not a true form of passionate workaholic-ism, but a novel form, a form by which one loses his rationality and mind, to work, only focussing on mindlessly doing the same things he does every day, 8 to 5, doing enough just to get by without being picked on by superiors etc.

Is this true workaholic-ism? Perhaps not really, but whether being someone obsessed about work so much that everything else in life, i.e. social etc, suffers, or being an individual in the above mentioned scenario, – bottom line is, in both cases, we lose our minds.

Perhaps there is another fallacy, that “Research has shown that those who lead a sedentary life tend to die quickly,”, when we realize people in sedentary, agrarian societies, such as Tibet etc, with current life expectancy at 67 years old, have been living in such a sedentary way for almost all their lives. I think we’ll only die quickly when we become too old, too frail to withstand the hustle, bustle, hectic lifestyles of modern societies, so much so that the longer we work, the earlier you die (as per statistics).

The only reason why people live longer in modern societies, is the existence of good health care and the ability of medical sciences to be curative for many ailments that could have been life threatening. Perhaps right now the most life threatening thing is the healthcare bill though, the moment we see how much one has to pay for this medicine and that procedure, we would probably suffer a heart attack or wished we were dead in the first place.

I believe in taking things from a different perspective, that instead of encouraging workaholic-ism, its more important that we learn to live with a passion, be it in life, or in the work we do. We can only be passionate about the work we are doing when the work we do, is something we enjoy, something of our interest, or perhaps at the same time offering adequate renumeration for survival.

Its just like being a musician, playing a violin, or being a *cough cough*… teacher, if you’re passionate, its hard for you to tire out. Even when you’ve relinquished your formal duties under formal employment, and reached a stage of being more senior in age, a grandparent-to-be, etc, one can still continue related hobby-like jobs, i.e. turn hobbies into a “part-time job”, i.e. offer consultancy, teach/tutor others, write to educate others, etc. (However this also brings up the employability issue though, if you were to read one of my earlier posts on this issue)

Contrary to this point though, is that when people no longer have to slog, but instead is now in a position in higher management, with better working conditions/working life-styles, there may seem to be a less pressing need for retirement at least, not when the pay is good, the work isnt torturous, more enjoyable in fact, one can con-currently pursue hobbies and interests without worries of survival related issues, who needs to retire anyway! Its probably the lower/mid tier workers whom probably desire retirement a lot more than the elites. And perhaps these workers are the ones who need a truer form of escapism than those above.

Retirement, only for those who can afford it. But for those who seem to be able to afford anything in life, perhaps retirement is not of any priority at all. How oxymoronic.

At least at this point in life, looking into the future a little, it seems that with family down sizing, the inability of CPF to provide, high inflation rates, uncertainty in the future of the nation that eventually we have to really worry about retirement, perhaps we wont even have enough money to spend or get by, that our children are also struggling to get by, that we have to continue working to prevent ourselves from becoming social burdens.. just to be able to satisfy some of our older-age wants and needs.

So here I was at this nice restaurant along Bukit Timah, just across the road from Beautyworld, enjoying the nice tender and flavoursome roast chicken, the surprisingly crisp but cooked vegetable(baby kailan) blanched in oyster sauce, cool waitresses (yes waitresses.. no waiter spotted though) tapping your order into a PDA that wirelessly transmits the order to the kitchen.. and TADA!! your food’s out almost as immediately as you’ve ordered.

Busy chomping down morsels of flavoursome white meat, and stuffing my mouth with hainanese pork chops at the same time, there was just this little A4 sized poster that caught my eye. “Job Vacancy – Senior Citizens Welcome”. The sight of this poster sorta stirred something in me, which made me take out my mobile phone with my grimy hands just to capture a picture of it.

It had always been an issue that I had once passionately debated about years ago (probably when I was 21 then), between my left and right brain but I had found difficulty in putting forth all these thoughts into words till now.

Coming back from that dinner, filled with thoughts, procrastination got the better of me, and I only decided to start writing two days after that dinner, right now, 2.40am in the wee hours of the night.

I loved the nights a lot, you could call me nocturnal, but this is the time when I find some solitude and solace for me to think about stuff with minimal distractions. But even then, I just dont know how to start on this issue at all.

Having been stuck in this country for a total of twenty three years, and having had the opportunity to experience the american culture, I found myself observing many differences in the way of life, in the culture and personal perspectives and attitude of each and every citizen towards work.

And on that little note.. I might just start writing my thoughts proper.. from this point onwards.

————————————————————–

The first time when I felt Singapore had a human resource problem, was the time when I realized my taxi-driver was a master-degree holder, driving a similar blue toyota crown, as his compatriots who might hadn’t had much of any education at all.

Slurping on my favourite prawn noodles, to realized the hawker that prepared the delicacy was a graduate didn’t help either. How about that diploma holder who was a petrol attendant at the Shell station that I used to frequent?

To add onto this, having read some articles in the local media about science graduates only competent to wash test tubes seemed to add to the disillusionment. Are we having a human resource problem or are we not? Could we not choose even to be a graduate in the first place? Probably not, especially when the education system is designed to be so competitive, that the paper chase becomes a measure of someone’s worth. Everyone wants to be worthy anyway, who doesn’t?

Looking at the above few jobs that had been described, It was only my opinion that these people were over qualified to do what they were doing. It comes to a bigger question, that, if ever I become an employee, or we to that matter, will we be used to the best of our abilities, or will be just become over qualified individuals doing jobs that tap into a small percentage of one’s potentials?

The worst thing is to be in a position where you are only utilized minimally, and whenever you want to break out of that position, and do something bigger, something that you’re more capable of, the higher up administration, supervisors are usually suppressive, unwieldy, and definitely resistant to change. You might never have that opportunity, and even if you did, the credits for the work wouldn’t be accrued to you either.

Is the feeling of being stepped on, and trodden from a spongecake into a pancake familar, to be put down by superiors with a condescending attitude, always thinking that they were right, that all they felt worthy of carrying out was just old procedures, methods that had worked in the past, to be repeated again hoping to achieve the same old results without the need or the thought of looking towards improvement? well.. welcome to Singapore!! we’re all in the same boat! ok maybe i’m not but probably you are. LOL.

Then again jokes aside, it seems that we are powerless, and hapless if we are in the wrong place at the wrong time. To add on to this, social burdens, cost of living etc, often retard one’s foray into newer and greener pastures, the difficulty of seeking social security when insecurity’s the biggest thing this 20th century.

Commitment phobia anyone? So much for the declining birth rate, lots of people humping all day all night but never wanting kids, not when everything becomes superficialized (if there’s such a word), that now one is being employed on a termed contract, for a year, or two, before getting the boot.

One of the worst cased scenarios to have a wailing baby needing diapers and milk powder and all that expensive immunizations, checkups and what not. High housing costs, with long thirty year loans, reducing the bulk of CPF to zilch is another reason as to why social security becomes of paramount importance.

Lose your job, you lose everything. Unable to pay for your house? Time for creditors to take everything away including your door if you have a nice one in place of the original. How about utility bills, handphone bills, food, misc expenses, parents’ retirement etc?

But then again, all these cash-payment-related suffering seems to be a good method to make everyone good employees, submissive & obedient, never going against the system, and continually governed by fear.

So did i get distracted or what? No i didnt. This is how some of these issues tie into the bigger picture of a human resource mis-management, akin to using olive oil to light an oil lamp when cheap-ass kerosene does the same job of providing light.

However, to look at things from two sides of a coin, and in relation to the cute little picture you see attached in the beginning of this entry, is the big question, How employable are we? Do we see ourselves become less employable over the years, like a can of food on the shelf with an expiry date to be discarded when the time’s up? With the increasing life expectancy by a decade as compared to thirty years ago (at retirement age 55), how wise is it for us to push retirement age further backwards, to figures such as 60, 62, 65 or more?

Statistics have shown that the longer you work, the earlier you die. This might be a stress related issue, coupled with tiring work that might throw the body towards being more oxidative, aging faster etc. What sort of retirement can we expect, having seen terrible inflations, hdb loans chomping up most of one’s CPF, seeing a bleak penniless and frugral retirement sipping thin white porridge with slivers of salted fish and canned peanuts?

The employability question, now that when we are told not to believe in the existence of iron-rice bowls, year after year, as we age, and become older, are we any more employable? Chances is no, perhaps its true that one’s employability declines, like a candle burning out leaving a puddle of messy molten wax.

Perhaps the only avenue one can increase his or her employability is to leverage on work experience, seniority in a certain field, but that can only come, when one’s in the same line for long enough not to be classified as a job hopper taking up different port folios for short stints over time.

The other redemption is to be achieved only via upgrading of one’s abilities and skills, however to discover how one’s cognitive abilities and literal skills, dexterity declines with age. The only way to continue improving oneself is to have the determination, and the belief in life long learning with a passion, but this point only serves as a cue for a bigger problem, the lack of passion in many of us, be it old or young.

For the young, what do we have to blame, but perhaps how we had became little products of a manufacturing process that rendered us jack of all trades but masters of none? obsessed with constant short term goals, be it PSLE, to the O-Levels to the A Levels or Diploma, to the Degree, blindly pursuing only grades and results, never having the rationality to think of what one wanted to be in life, and never developing a passion, only believing in “going through motion”, waking up every day, go to school, listen to lecture, do homework, go for tutorials, take exams, pray for good results and thats all?

And so Graduation is when reality sinks in for these people who have been aimless their whole lives, not to include those who realized they werent reading what they were really interested in, in varsity only when they were in their third year. Or perhaps how people had once started out passionate in a course of study, for the flame to be extinguished by how the education seemed to stifle and eat away one’s energy?

Will “going through motion” enhance one’s employability? Now that we are faced with the biggest influx of migrants, competing with us for space, education, qualifications, jobs at a cheaper cost price to industries (no need cpf contribution and what not, plus good exchange rate), when we realize how expensive it is to be a singaporean living in singapore wanting to live a decent life, and realizing that we are not any much more employable than these foreign talents.. who are we to blame?

sometimes for some portfolios, I wonder aloud, had we ever considered grooming local talents, or have human resource management changed so diversely that its better to import than consider working with the original pool that one already had?

It seems ever so simple to continue importing, keeping overhead costs low etc. People would argue, hey, weren’t our fore-fathers once migrants too? And countries like the United States, one of the biggest migrant nations in the world (i.e. made up of mostly diverse migrants from all over, as opposed to ethnic nations, i.e. china/india) seemed to be doing quite well. Wont we be like them if we continually get migrants in, the talents etc?

This unfortunately becomes one big delusion, and a big fallacy if we were to compare migrant nation to migrant nation. Lets look at the US and our fore fathers in the olden days, when they came to singapore, they not only believed in the new land being a land of opportunities, but they were also determined to root themselves, and build the nation. You could call that a little capitalistic, or a little altruistic, (citing weber and the protestant ethics in early america), that was how these nations rose, with the passion of the migrants in making the difference. But comparing a tiny Singapore to the United States, is Singapore still a land of opportunities? Or are migrants coming in just because they were attracted by the monetary renumerations, be it in education, jobs, and using Singapore as a stepping stone before they flee someday after leeching enough?

How many workers today, be it local or foreign are interested in driving the industry to greater heights, building it upwards, than just working for that paycheck? I don’t know. Will this lack of passion become Singapore’s bane some day?

How about the lack of professionalism as well, considering how hardworking and committed japanese workers were, the professionalism the americans and the europeans had prided themselves in. What do we have here? The regular 8-5 worker, coming to work and hoping for lunch to come quick, and subsequently after lunch hoping for work to end asap, and hoping to leave exactly on time every day? Believing in doing just enough for a piece of work, never more effort? Are we stabbing our ownselves when we start to develop such personalities and traits in a dog-eat-dog workplace? Or when we arn’t appreciated by any amount of extra effort put in, to be taken for granted eventually that kills our passion and willingness to do more the next time? And subsequently how will this affect our employability, and how we stand against foreign workers coming in? And how employable will we be when we become older, continually harbouring these beliefs?

With the families downsizing, and how the generation Y becomes a latch-key kid generation, and the subsequent loss of social identity in this coming generation, there’s jusst nothing to hold on to, no social beliefs, no mentalities, do you worry for this generation? well at least i do.

Sleep-deprived and zombified, I slept through the new year, 14 hours of deep slumber, waking up blurry at 11am. Forgot entirely about countdowns and what not. Not even carrying out the usual practice of spamming my contact list with new year sms-es either.

I think i’ve aged, and mellowed a little.

When I was much younger, countdowns were always something I had participated in, squeezing in the crowds, constantly fearful of my wallet being nicked whenever someone brushed past. Strafing spotlights, an emcee with his voice booming, counting down the seconds “five, four, three, two.. ONEEEEEEEE”, a sudden burst of party poppers, foam sprays flying around like how one would attack pests with baygon, lots of yelling and cheering, an overzealous individual who popped a bottle of champagne and wetting me in the process, those were the memories.

Looking back, I didnt know why I participated in them either, is a new year always something to be happy about, when all we see were years of uncertainty, inevitable changes, and how time ravages everyone we know as they become frail, old and wizened. Perhaps countdowns was just like going through motion, a formality.

Personally I feel ushering in a new year is not that much of an external thing, but something that’s pretty personal. Its a good time for us to find some quiet moment with ourselves, and start to sum up what one had or hadn’t done in the past year, to set new goals and objectives for the oncoming year, despite resolutions were almost never kept given the fickleness and the vulnerability of the human spirit in giving in to excuses and self justifications.

Nevertheless, if I could still recount, here’s a list of achievements, or rather accomplishments in the year 2007

1) Spent a semester in Georgia Tech, Atlanta – Lovely Place. I would want to go back to the States some day, a true land of opportunities.

2) Toured the east and the west of the states, been to Miami, Tampas/Florida, Orlando, Atlanta/Georgia, Great Smoky Mountains, Bahamas, New York, Boston, Niagara Falls, Toronto, Chicago, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, Sequoia, Yosemite etc…

3) Worked in the Boyan Lab for 424.5 hours in a semester, wonderful professors, both Dr Boyan & Dr Schwartz, learnt a lot from them, and the research experience enriching

4) Rekindled my passion for photography again, once a nikonian, always a nikonian.

5) Found out that I could cook pretty well, having to cook for myself almost every meal overseas. Could replicate most of the local dishes, to the delight of friends who were over for meals sometimes. Baked pineapple tarts over five times, could still remember myself grating those USD$5 pineapples and slowly cooking them over the stove just to make the jam. Laksa cooked with spaghetti was surprisingly good, when beehoon wasn’t that easily available.

6) Hiked Mt Le Conte in the Great Smoky Mountains. I thought I would have left the states before accomplishing this, but on our second trip back to the Great Smoky Mtns, hiked the Alum Cave Trail with several friends. 16.5km up and down, elevation change of 2800ft. It was a sense of de javu as I went up the trail, because the place seemed so familiar to me although I had never been there before. (Btw Timberland Boots are dam uncomfortable!! I killed my little toe in this hike, hurt for a few days, cheap though, USD $45)

7) Bought lots of clothes for myself, Gap Jeans, CK, Levi’s, and what not, extremely cheap at the factory outlets, i.e. Gap Jeans USD $19.90, Levi’s for USD$23.90 etc. As a typical Singaporean, it was a buying spree, so much so that I had to post about 55 pounds worth of stuff back to Singapore, including books.

Went to Disneyland? not that I was that fascinated with mice walking on two feet but.. I kinda like that fairytale/dreamy environment there, where civilization, the hustle and bustle of life seems to be something distant. “Dreams come true.. dreams come true” – its still stuck in my mind after the duck on stage was exalting it in a play.

9) Went into a relationship again, but eventually everything fell apart, as we didnt seem to share common goals in life, especially when one doesn’t seem to put much priority towards settling down. Eventually as one gets older, I suppose the definition of love changes. Its not exactly about the looks and visuals department, but definitely something more from the inside. I hope I wouldn’t get disillusioned again. Sometimes I would feel really tired, and no longer concerned about such pursuits, but sometimes I would just want to be like others, to be able to walk hand in hand down orchard road, to be able to find happiness in seeing someone smile, and to be able to live life with a sense of security.

10) Found my way back to Buddhism again. A permanent devotion for myself, I had three religious tattoos done, one in oil and two in white ink. Might write a post on that decision later on. Kinda surprising to many, if they hadn’t known, because I had never seemed to be the type of person to do something like this.

11) Made a lot of new friends, got to know a few of my older friends better, although it seems I had proportionately drifted a bit more from those that I hadn’t been in contact with, for a while.

12) Got into the Dean’s List this year, for academic performance of the previous year. This came to be a surprise for me, because I had never believed in pursuing results that much, my firm belief in academics, is that the more passionate I am about what I’m studying, the results will follow. I had never believed in living by grades, being an ultimate memorizing machine etc, but to take things at a greater understanding. Well, at least these beliefs have been getting me by in education, but i suppose it doesn’t apply to everyone, because there are people whom i know to be very passionate, they put in a lot of effort, but were never rewarded with the results they wanted. I hope they won’t give up, as some day, I believe their efforts will pay off.

13) Got Decent Grades for my Sem 2 examinations, during which I almost died with 7 core modules, all examinable. 3A+, 1A and 3A-. Could have done better though, I wonder why i got A- for the subjects I worked the hardest for.

14) Confessed to someone whom I had liked for 2.5 years… yup.. 2.5 years.. Not too sure whether this is a right decision or not, but time seems to be running out. how long should I go on this way? I’m not too hopeful either though, as I knew in life, much as I wish I could get the things I liked, I would always fall short of my goals and dreams. Perhaps i might just leave everything to fate, but that brings in the controversy on whether one should forge his or her own destiny or just wait for “fate” which is usually a procrastinative excuse.

15) Re-kindled my audiophile hobby again, but I seem to be more into music now than equipment pursuit. Been listening to vocals and jazz. Yui Rocks! so does Kobukuro (click the couple of you-tube links on the left to have a listen, very good songs!). Jazz from monty alexander, ray brown, jacques loussier too.

16) Personal development for myself. Read more books, got a better understanding of many things, people, life, economy, religion etc.

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My Goals/”Resolutions” for 2008

1) Continued academic success.

2) To Love and be Loved, perhaps time to settle down for me

3) Consider Plans for post-graduate studies

4) Snap more pictures! a good 25,000 pictures in 2007. More this year!!

5) To catch up with more friends, and meet new people too.

6) To continue learning, whenever I can.

7) To learn to meditate a little, they say meditation helps, in controlling anger, managing stress etc.

To be a happier person. hopefully.

There i was reading one of my room-mate’s books, on a topic that had once interested me and took me through a long journey, albeit a long search in life.

Having been born a buddhist, and chosen to be a christian during my teenage years, to become a rationalist (not an atheist), and back to buddhism for good, it was probably a decade long transition in a loop.

Born a buddhist, I started off in the midst of a religion, never understanding the fundamentals, the beliefs, the practices, the precepts, only to see a ritualized form that commanded one’s solemn participation. It was never a pure form of Buddhism to me at least, that chinese Buddhism in Singapore seemed to be a myriad of various practices fused together, happily co-existing dialectically although at times there didnt seem to be much sense to senseless formalities. I was dismayed at the furor of people fervently rattling wooden holders containing lots of little sticks, hoping that the bodhisattva could help in predicting one’s future, and others would be praying for four-digits and blessings to strike the lottery over the weekend. What was the real role of a Bodhisattva in buddhism then?

But it was after a long while, that I eventually got use to such practices, and learnt not to criticize these actions as such acts were pretty much symbolic, they symbolized the vulnerability, unpredictability, impotence, of the human race in the face of reality, and how little bits of hope, and divine intervention could make a difference in their lives, and thus took me a closer step towards my greater understanding of religion itself.

My grandparents, and parents’ conversion to the Theravada in the later years of my childhood seemed to have added a little to my confusion, and subsequent input from a dad’s colleague with a couple of books on Vajrayana buddhism didnt make things simpler either. What exactly was a bardo? an yidam? Tantra? Who was Padmasambhava, Tara, Karmapa, Rinpoche, Vajrayogini, Vajrakilaya etc? Why didn’t I find them familiar, even though I knew Siddharta Buddha, Sakyamuni, Amithaba?

Towards my teenage years, and given my parents’ openess in allowing me to pursue whatever I wanted, in both education and life, I started going to church, a Protestant church, for a couple of years. People were friendly, music was good at the youth worship, my first time there, I was surprised at how electric guitars, drums, keyboards could become part of worship, something that I hadn’t expected, as most dramas on TV would have shown traditional church congregations and choirs singing to the huge church organ that resonates your soul.

Going to church eventually lapsed, that was because being a monotheistic religion, with monotheistic beliefs with segregated people within a boundary or a fence, a clear distinction of a follower vs an outsider, required constant participation, constant stoking of the flame to keep it alight, else, the tendency is to drift. And I drifted.

How did it feel, having to drift and become all alone, like a little sampan in the midst of the south china sea? It wasn’t too bad as the seas were calm. Perhaps if the sea were to become rocky, I might have been more aggressive towards looking for an anchor, or something to hold on to.

As a curious teenager, in love with artistic expressions, music, photography, art etc, teen angst took over, music, like pearl jam, linkin park etc, was salvation, it was a good embodiment, a good representation of how one felt as a teenager, the inner rebelliousness and the external conformity often had clashes. But as one aged, and being continually worn out by restless, repetitive and tiring academic pursuits, rationality seemed to have taken a paramount role in one’s life, than following one’s id.

Rationalism, and the pursuit of reasons, empirical evidences (just like science), was quite a death blow to anyone in a religion. One starts to question faiths, the existence of gods, their omnipotence, their omnibenovalence when theodicy becomes a complicating issue, internal theological debates occurred, often comparing religion to religion, how some religions could never see each other eye to eye, how diversification had occurred in reformative processes and uprisings, how congresses had dictated changes, and perhaps how many of these religions started off like a butterfly effect, eventually becoming a tornado that took the world by storm.

Literal interpretations of holy texts became dangerous, when fundamentalism started to have an impact on our daily lives. Read between the lines of the texts, many would say, as the word is not word for word, but something that a believer perceives upon understanding the bigger picture. But there were just groups of people who liked to chew things word for word, interpreting it their way, packaging it into logical little packets, playing with the human logic/acceptance factor, and brainwashing many into blind beliefs.

It was during this time when I met Bellah, Weber, Durkheim, Armstrong, etc, not in person, but through books that I paid a premium for, through local book conglomerates, Borders and Kinokuniya. Their books were thick, wordy, dry as gin, but i got drunk over them. The world suddenly took a turn, and i saw everything in a different light. I started to understand what religion was all about, and how beliefs were important.

Weber and Bellah taught me about how all the religions in the world right now were axial religions, religions in pursuit of salvation, that this world isnt the best place to be, and that there is another world out there, a better one to be achieved through religiosity and practices. Weber also re-affirmed my early perception, on how various forms of artistic expressions, be it music, dance could offer people the same things that religion could give, the empirical satisfaction that one feels when he or she is being understood.

Prof Ben Geoffrey, formerly of NUS Dept of Sociology, enlightened me on how articulation had always been a barrier to true communication, and how people found themselves pouring themselves out without words, to non-empirical entities, such as their gods, and ultimately achieving for themselves a feeling of being understood. Neurobiology further made things a little more scientific, on how articulatory loops, different areas such as the broca’s area and the wernicke’s area, were integral to textural communication but not true communication.

All these while, rationalism seemed to fuel my hunger for more information, and a greater understanding of the human race. Not that we are in a need for physical salvation, many of us in affluent societies, never found ourselves in the face of natural disasters, drought, famine, and all the contingent suffering that agrarian societies might had to face. Instead the suffering we have is mental, created in our minds, and how religion now plays an integral role for us to alleviate this suffering, bringing about salvation.

Religion also had a good role in answering to one’s social need under maslow, that many of us were societalized, having moved into concrete jungles from villages, losing the communal experience and the camaraderie of village living, and how the human soul seems to find the need to re-seek such experiences, be it from religion, congregations, or even online forums and games.. it seems that most of us were initially socially inadequate, or socially inept.

Eventually I found my way back into Buddhism again, something that I found my refuge and my own peace in, having understood the fundamentals of most religions, and having read and found out about many religions around the world.

There I was reading Richard Dawkin’s The God Delusion on the MRT, and receiving several funny/dirty looks from other passengers. I was unperturbed. That was because I wasn’t reading such books just to dispute the existence of God nor his role/function in the lifes of many. It was because its only in these books that you find strong justifications on the original goodness of the human race, and that was what i was only interested in, to possibly consider eventually how some religions could leverage on these, and augment one’s personal development to greater heights.

Religiosity became important to me once again. But there is no point disputing other religions nor calling names and false gods just because one belongs to a certain faith. Everyone has his or her own comfort zone, his or her own calling, niche, beliefs and experiences that one holds on dearly to, that is the most important thing of it all. Let religion be a personal aspect of one’s life, and never force one’s faith on others. Don’t dispute others as well, as ultimately everyone lives a different life, and have different needs, religion maybe just be a multifaceted answer to them.